Tuesday, August 4, 2015
A different D&D movie
I remember very clearly the release of the D&D movie in the fall of 2000. The actual day was in December, but it was very mild that day. I was a sophomore in college and had gone back and forth with a freshman friend over whether the film would be any good. I remember reading the movie reviews in the morning and realizing that it was not just going to be disappointing, but actually memorably awful, worthy of parody and scorn. So a bunch of us - and I have to say in my defense, we had women going with us - got together that evening and trekked out to the local theater where students got in for five bucks. We sat down and watched, and when the credits rolled my freshman friend's voice cut the air: "That was bad."
There's going to be another D&D movie, this time set in the Forgotten Realms. Let me tell you - that's boring. The Realms is too stocked with iconic characters who will never translate well to the screen, and there's no iconic plot that would work as a film. No, I've thought about this and I know what would make a good D&D movie.
So you take two veteran film actors, maybe guys with geek cred to their names, and you have them play Mordenkainen and Robilar. Most people won't care who they are, but D&D fans have heard of them. And you start off with a flashback of them in the dungeons of Castle Greyhawk, trying but failing to get a MacGuffin. It doesn't really matter what, it could be pretty much any of the artifacts in the old DMG.
Then you go to the present time of the movie, and older Mordenkainen and Robilar need to get the MacGuffin, but something's stopping them, they can't go down themselves, yadda yadda. So they put together a raiding party (the action heroes) and plan an elaborate, multi-level heist in the Greyhawk dungeons.
I'm figuring you would go with a party of mostly veteran dungeon delvers. A dwarven fighter, an elven ranger (a F/MU would be more appropriate, but elves have the bow thing), a cleric of St. Cuthbert, a wizard who used to be Mordenkainen's apprentice. Make the elf a woman, and have the MU be Baklunish so it's not painfully white and male. And then you add a thief as the new character they explain everything to, I'm picturing a young female ingenue type who surprises us the first time she makes a backstab.
And then after the planning phase, possibly with a couple side quests to get useful items, they bust into the dungeon and Castle Greyhawk becomes the star. You have a pool of infinite snakes, a weird garden, a massive underground lake with a kraken, a museum, a machine level, there's a level full of dragons, pretty much whatever you need for a whole bunch of great action set pieces. Everybody gets a chance to show off, including turning undead and casting Fireball, and there are showdowns with some iconic monsters (I'd feature: kobolds, undead, trolls, beholder, mimic, owlbear). At the end they get to the level with the MacGuffin, but wind up having to chase someone through some of the Demi's-planes to do it (Isle of the Ape, Dungeonland making cameos). Add a twist where the plan falls apart and in the very end it takes some magical chicanery just to get out alive.
You sell it as high fantasy meets ultra stylized heist, Lord of the Rings plus Inception. Rollicking action going down the weird levels of a megadungeon. That's what a D&D movie should be, IMO, not some bloated fantasy epic.
Oh, and the name? Greyhawk.
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This would totally work. So, of course, this will not be the formula used until years from now when computer graphics become so easy-to-use and commonplace that a teenager of the 2070's stumbles across this very blog and makes the movie. I hope my grandchildren take me to see it at the age of 103.ReplyDelete
Perfect. Then, at the end of the film (post-credit stinger perhaps), have them mention that they now need to retrieve MacGuffin Part II.ReplyDelete
"But Acererak will never part with it willingly," one character mumbles ominously.
Camera pans up and, from their point of view, we see a familiar skull-faced hillside in the distance...
CUT TO BLACK
Aw, that's perfect.Delete
They say great minds thin alike . . .Delete
Oh yeah, baby! Great elevator pitch, Wayne. If I had the money, I'd back it!ReplyDelete
Tim, that "oh yeah" was for your ending, btw.ReplyDelete
Hmm. Sorry for my double-post above. I fixed it.ReplyDelete
I also think Tim Snider's ending to Wayne's movie idea is phenomenal.
I'd watch that. I'd kickstart that! Think we could get Vin Diesel involved?ReplyDelete
"Flannae. The Flan race have a bronze-colored complexion. This varies from a lighter, almost copper shade to a very dark tone which is the deepest brown."ReplyDelete
The Flanaess is much more diverse, as it were, than some artists have allowed over the last few decades. While there is a nearly pure Flan population in Tenh, there is a strong Flannish strain in Sterich, Geoff, and the County of Ulek, so it's not like dark skin is uncommon at all. I've long felt that this fact should be more publicized in relation to Greyhawk.
Yeah, I agree. Even Oeridians are supposed to have olive skin, only the Suloise (and presumably the Oeridian/Suel mix that dominates several areas) are what we'd call "white."Delete
In fairness it's not like they *have* to adapt any particular FR character or story (but I imagine there will probably at least be a cameo by you-know-who.)ReplyDelete
In so far as recruiting the rest of the party, a "Dirty Dozen" 'esque nod towards introducing the rest of the crew via their past exploits could be nice.ReplyDelete
You need a dwarf... and just to break with stereotypes, the dwarf should be a woman and the elf a man. (Pretty sure you'd have to have a beardless female dwarf, never get a beard by on a woman in Hollywood).ReplyDelete
The dwarf doesn't have to be a "sexy" character; you could go for a more mature look, and have her take the young, naive, hot thief under her wing.
It's tempting to say that the elf might be gay (thus making another demographic happy) but that may be too much of a stereotype.